So i’m in a relationship that is wearing me down, wearing me out.
I need so many things I’m not getting.
I don’t think he’s going to do anything to change any of the way things are.
All that crap about how he was going to find someone else as part of our relationship? Three months later, he’s done nothing to even try.
My heart hurts.
There are things he can’t do because of his physical/medical stuff. And he’s not really trying to do anything about it. He won’t go to a doctor and he won’t find a physical therapist and he won’t go to a heated pool and he won’t go to a regular therapist. And he won’t use anything that would help with his mobility so that he could do things with me that require walking.
He’s not attracted to me. And i’m not attracted to him. There’s warmth between us. There is. And there’s love. But no spark, no fire, and he won’t do anything to help us find it again.
He won’t initiate things. He tells me he’ll do certain things – little things – but then he often doesn’t. If i nudge him about it, he’ll say oh, yeah, I’m going to do that, and sometimes he does eventually and sometimes he doesn’t. So i end up doing things. Little things that aren’t a big deal, except over time and space, they add up until i feel like i’m doing it all.
i’m not doing it all. But i’m doing 80%.
If i put my foot down, if i insist, he’ll do just enough to make me think he’s going to do something different. But then he just doesn’t.
There are so many things.
So many things that i don’t do anymore, food i don’t eat anymore, places i don’t go anymore. i’ve been so open and receptive to his needs – no, i really have – but not too open, it’s not that he’s made me give up anything or forced me to narrow my paths, he hasn’t, and it’s not that i begrudge him anything, but when i look at where i am and the things i’ve shut down, turned away from, let go of…
i love him.
i feel burdened. i feel like i’m carrying the weight of the relationship. Not all of it, there are things he does, things he says, moments that feel good. But i feel like i am carrying 80%.
That might be more than i’m willing to carry. i’m tired – physically and emotionally.
i’ll tell him – i have to tell him that this isn’t working for me. It’s not about me adjusting, not about me shifting my expectations, not about lowering the bar. i’m not getting most of the things i need. Not some, some is ok, but most.
When i think about moving by myself, it feels like a relief. i was shocked to realize that. i can visualize myself moving without him, and it doesn’t feel bad. i know i’ll be lonesome, but i’m lonesome now.
i don’t think i have another relationship in me. i don’t. i don’t. But my therapist thinks i do.
i think – i am alone now, and there are too many times that part of not doing something is because i don’t want to leave him home alone, or i don’t want to go do whatever it is by myself. i don’t think anyone will ever want me, but he doesn’t “want” me either.
He loves me. Just not in a way that would lead him to do anything different. i guess that’s fair enough, why should he change? Why can’t i just keep accommodating his needs?
You know, because i’m tired. i guess i should have said no more often, sooner, i guess it’s really my own fault for not doing this right somehow, but here we are. He and i standing at the crossroads, only he doesn’t know it’s a crossroad.
i feel guilty, feel like a failure, feel like i’m abandoning him, feel heartless. But you know, i’m Lilith. That’s where i started with this blog, isn’t it? Remember Lilith? Adam’s first wife? In case you’ve forgotten, there is this from Eve and the Identify of Women:
At the same time Jehovah created Adam, he created a woman, Lilith, who like Adam was taken from the earth. She was given to Adam as his wife. But there was a dispute between them about a matter that when it came before the judges had to be discussed behind closed doors. She spoke the unspeakable name of Jehovah and vanished.
“In the Alpha Betha of Ben Sira (Alphabetum Siracidis, or Sepher Ben Sira), an anonymous collection of midrashic proverbs probably compiled in the 11th century C.E., it is explained more explicitly that the conflict arose because Adam, as a way of asserting his authority over Lilith, insisted that she lie beneath him during sexual intercourse (23 A-B). Lilith, however, considering herself to be Adam’s equal, refused, and after pronouncing the Ineffable Name (i.e. the magic name of God) flew off into the air.
Adam, distraught and no doubt also angered by her insolent behaviour, wanted her back. On Adam’s request, God sent three angels, named Senoy, Sansenoy, and Semangelof, who found her in the Red Sea. Despite the threat from the three angels that if she didn’t return to Adam one hundred of her sons would die every day, she refused, claiming that she was created expressly to harm newborn infants. However, she did swear that she would not harm any infant wearing an amulet with the images and/or names of the three angels on it.”
i am remembering that i started this blog with the intention of finding myself and my own source of joy. Feeling pretty far from that right now.