i ran across this quote today:
“One of the biggest misconceptions about connecting is seeking, first, to be liked. In fact, the counterintuitive way to get someone to like you is in knowing this core truth: If they like the way they feel when around you, they will like you. In fact, they will project onto you the character traits they most like in others, even if you have not yet exhibited them.
Conversely, if they do not like the way they act when around you, they will instinctively blame you for it, regardless of the true reason. They will project onto you some of the qualities they most dislike in others. What’s worse, they will go out of their way to prove they are right, even in ways that damage their reputation as well as yours.”
― Kare Anderson, Mutuality Matters More Living a Happy, Meaningful and Satisfying Life With Others
This resonates with me. Some research i read a long time ago says that we don’t necessarily like people who treat us well, we like people that we treat well. If we’re kind to someone, we are more likely to like them- how we act toward them has more impact than whether or not they’re kind to us.
i am not sure what this means for my everyday life, much less what it means for the world of D/s. i mean, i know that if i act with love, i’ll feel love. That’s simple.
It’s the flip part of it that confuses me. i will tell youall – a group i was managing last week was somewhat disrespectful – inattentive, lots of sidebar conversations, checking phones. Really, they were disrespectful to each other and not just to me, and i let it go on way too long, thinking they were grown-ups and would stop it. Eventually, i snatched them up a little bit and they did a bit better. But i look back and think it would have been better if i’d handled it differently.
i’d been thinking about it from the perspective of wondering what it meant about (how they see) me that they’d been acting like that. Thinking that maybe they don’t respect me. Of course, maybe they don’t, but now i’m thinking it might be more helpful for me to attribute their behavior to immaturity and just not let it happen again. You know?
Anyhow. That’s what’s going on here in olivia-World. Occasionally, i ruminate for a while on how helpful a spanking would be – how it would shut down the rumination about things i can’t control and clear my head.
However, sans spanking, i’m making do with a loving-kindness meditation, sending loving thoughts to myself and others. Sigh…
Olivia 
I think self-love and nurturing self-compassion definitely helps with D/s.In our dynamic, I think one of the best things my Owner did was to let us off the hook for each other’s happiness. His happiness is up to him, mine is up to me, we support each other in our quest for that happiness, so to speak.
Tough to manage groups like that! But yes attributing to something less personal gives you more space to try and find a solution for next time.
Loved this post.
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Thanks, Bleue, i so appreciate your comments. And i totally agree with you about the value of not being responsible for your Owner’s happiness and vice versa. We truly can’t make each other happy, we can only be responsible for our own happiness. We can often please each other, but we can’t make each other happy.
i probably have a lot more to say about that – probably in a blog post somewhere.
Yeah, like i was telling Jade, i’ve worked with this group before and not had this experience. Shrug… Hard to know what was different this time. But i’m forgiving myself for not having anticipated the problem and solved it before it happened, so that’s something, right? Lol
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I think one of the most confusing aspects of being a woman in a leader/teacher role is its natural to want to be liked but if we are people often revert to a child-like mindset and start testing limits. It seems our culture allows a woman to be Kind (and therefore weak) or a Bitch (which provides justification for why you aren’t listening to her anyhow). Not helpful archetypes and not what you deserve at all. FWIW the very best class I have ever been to was one where the presenter very carefully set his intentions and expectations for the class. I know I have used a strategy where I took calm ownership of the room and increased my proximity to people behaving in inappropriate ways. I have also successfully linked bad behavior to safety concerns bc it compromises the classes ability to feel safe in focused attention when a bunch of other stuff is going on. Women respond well to that one, it is honest, and it allowed me to thwart negative behavior before it began while still being seen as warm. The key phrase is “I noticed” for example “I noticed in another class how some learners didn’t feel safe because other learners were talking over each other.” Their behavior is about them, our culture not taking women seriously, and has nothing to do with you. ❤️
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Thanks jade – i appreciate the input, and you’re absolutely right. What’s interesting to me is that normally i can really do that. But i didn’t this time. And i don’t know why – don’t know what held me back or what happened. It’s a group i’ve worked with before, and never had this problem with before. Shrug… i don’t know. But yeah, you’re so right. i totally needed to do something different.
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