i almost had my next installment on my book done, but then i decided i didn’t like a turn it had taken, so i have re-work to do. No big deal, but i had a lot of regular stuff to take care of today, so it won’t be ready to post til Monday probably. And that’s ok.
Also, i started reading a new kinky series and am loving it so far. It’s by Roxy Sloane and is called Sweet Submission. The series is just “The Submission Series.”
i am becoming more aware of how much i don’t like to be in crowds of people. i think that i never thought of that as a valid reason for not doing something, so i just never recognized it was the barrier. i could feel it – the sense of dread, even while i was being mentally drawn toward whatever the activity was, just this underlying sense of cringing away from it.
Of course it’s easier to go if i’m with someone, and MP is sometimes willing to accompany me, but he’s also not a bit sorry if i back out at the last moment. In some ways i do better if i have someone to push me a bit, someone who would be disappointed if we didn’t do it. But i can’t rely on someone else to do that for me.
So i always thought i was just supposed to push through the cringing and dread to do it anyhow. When i didn’t do it, i would tell myself i “just didn’t feel like it,” and in my head, it had a sense of mystery. Why did i not feel like it? What was wrong with me that i wasn’t just doing it anyhow? No clue.
Now – just now, and i am 60 years old – i am beginning to say, to myself, and to others – i just don’t like crowds. And – i already knew this one – i don’t like doing new things. Sometimes, the want-to outweighs the don’t-wanna, but if it doesn’t, maybe that’s ok.
So i’m just going to recognize that “backing out’ isn’t something mysterious that just happens, it’s a choice i make for the legitimate reason that not wanting to go be in a crowd outweighs my original desire to go. It’s fine. I am, after all, a frigging introvert. i get to act like one sometimes.
Not shrinking violets – African violets. But still. 🙂