i need one – a dildo that is.  Preferably a vibrating one.

Yes, i have some.  i used to have some.  MP took control of them a long time ago, and won’t give them back.  i’ve asked him, and he just laughs, or just looks at me.

He bought me a vibrator, not a dildo, like a Hitachi, but from Walgreens, and it works great, when it works. The batteries are rechargeable, but only work for a couple of years, so my first one died recently.  The second one i got – or he got me, cause he happened to be with me at the time and paid for it – the second one quit working this week after just a few months.  The on-off switch locked up and won’t move.

i know, i should send it back to the company, but i don’t have any of the original info, and it’s only a $20 tool in the first place.

Instead, i told MP i needed my dildo/vibrators back.  He just looks at me like he can’t believe i’m saying that.

As i write this/read this, i wonder why i’m not pushing harder to get them back.  i guess i could demand, get loud, insist.

i don’t usually do that.  i can.  i have – put my foot down and persevered til i got what i wanted.

i don’t want to hurt him.  Or i’m just conflict avoidant.  One of the two, or both.

i was thinking i’d go buy one instead, but maybe that’s just taking the easy way out.

i feel like he’s lost so much already, to medical/physical problems.  And i think he’s retreated into denial about me telling him i would look elsewhere to get my needs met.  Although i don’t know if that’s accurate, maybe he hasn’t, maybe he’s just not talking about it.

When i try to talk about what’s going on with him, he gets angry and defensive, and i feel guilty, like i’m doing something wrong.  That’s pure drama triangle, isn’t it?  Or is it?

i don’t know.  i didn’t intend for this blog to be a place to talk about this, but i need somewhere to process.

He is really physically fragile these days.  That’s just the fact of the matter.  He is not going to be able to satisfy any sexual/kinky needs now, maybe not ever again.  That is the least of his concerns, he’s looking at trying to maintain some quality of life for himself, as he should be.

And yet.  His needs don’t erase my needs. They might be more basic needs.  They might take priority.  But they don’t make mine go away.

i’ve sublimated them for a long time now, i know i’ve said this before, but it’s been at least a couple of years.  Maybe i should have been less patient in the beginning, but i wasn’t.  And now i really feel like i’m kicking him when he’s down already.  That is not what i want to do.

i guess i still need to have the conversation.  “Hey, honey, how come you won’t give me my dildos back?  i don’t understand.”  Is that a reasonable beginning?  And i guess if he doesn’t agree to give them back, i end with the statement, “That’s ok, if you won’t give them back, i can buy another one.  i just thought we should talk about it first.”

_______________________

Ok, this is hysterical – i just asked him, and he was like, “Oh, I just need to get them out for you.  No reason.  I can do that.”

Hahahaha.  i might have over-thought that just a bit.  Quelle dumb-ass que je suis.  Proof that i can’t actually read minds.  Not even his.

So – when i thought he was resistant to giving them back, he was probably trying to remember where he put them.

{Wanders off laughing… smh}