As you can see if you look at My Accountability Page i have been fairly mediocre in meeting my goals.  Pretty hit and miss.

On the other hand, i’ve started reorganizing the house, preparing for a visit from a dear friend, and finally, finally figured out a way to reorganize our office space so i’m not backed into a corner, feeling trapped and just a bit claustrophobic.  The down side of having done that is that now MP’s desk is right next to me and he can totally see my computer screen at a glance.

Why is that a problem?

Ok, it’s not really a problem.  But it feels like one because it was only a couple of months ago that i told MP i was starting a new blog, and that i was going to be looking for ways to express my submission other than trying to get him to be my Dom.

Yes, we started out with a D/s relationship, and our first year together was lovely.  The second year, we were less engaged in that aspect of our relationship.  The third year, other than a rare hour or two, he just kept promising we’d get back to it at some point in the future.

Now it’s been a couple of years since there was any activity, other than one time, when he spanked me.   For the last six months, he’s had health issues that prevent him from engaging in any strenuous D/s activity, even if he were so inclined, which he’s not.

So here i am, feeling just a bit uncomfortable that he can see my screen without even trying.  i’m not doing anything “wrong.”   And he doesn’t want to know what i’m doing or not doing – he has not even asked me for the link to this blog.  He doesn’t ask me if i’m still emailing that guy i knew in high school.  (i am, but it’s totally mundane and platonic.)   Other conversations i’ve had with men are equally unobjectionable, and he wouldn’t care.

i haven’t lied to MP, and i would tell him before i do anything (else) that could be construed as stepping outside the relationship.   But i don’t want to hurt his feelings.  And that makes me feel like i need to be secretive.

Sigh.

Secretive or worse.  i kinda feel like Ruby – you remember the (stupid) Kenny Rogers song?

In case you don’t, and if you can’t listen to it, here are the words:

You’ve painted up your lips and rolled and curled your tinted hair
Ruby are you contemplating going out somewhere
The shadows on the wall tell me the sun is going down
Oh Ruby don’t take your love to town
It wasn’t me that started that old crazy Asian war
But I was proud to go and do my patriotic chores
And yes it’s true I’m not the man that I used to be
Oh but Ruby I still need your company
It’s hard to love a man whose legs are bent and paralized
And the wants and the needs of a woman your age Ruby I realize
But it won’t be long I’ve heard them say until I’m not around
Oh Ruby don’t take your love to town
She’s leaving now cause I just heard the slamming of the door
The way I know I’ve heard it slam one hundred times before
And if I could move I’d get my gun and put her in the ground
Oh Ruby don’t take your love to town oh Ruby for God’s sake turn around.

You know, MP’s not a war hero and his legs aren’t actually paralyzed, and i don’t think he’s dying, (although who knows, since he won’t go to the damn doctor) but i still kinda feel like Ruby every time i leave the house other than to go to work.

So you know, maybe i’m doing as ok as i can do right now.   Maybe this is about as good as i get.  And maybe i can still keep trying to do better.