“We grow up in a world where satisfying our cravings seems to be the number one objective, every advertisement on television and the newspaper calls for one craving or another to be dealt with. When it comes to sex we are bombarded every which way, so much so, that we think solving our cravings is the only way and the right way.”
― Evan Sutter, Solitude: How Doing Nothing Can Change the World
But if i’m not going to get to satisfy my craving for D/s, then what do i do with it? It took me most of my lifetime to recognize the longing for it and accept that it’s part of who i am. A few years to dabble in it. A few years to try to build a relationship that incorporates it.
And now, here i am, aching for that connection, and unlikely to have it again.
Ignoring it, trying to pretend it doesn’t exist, is not really an answer. Trying to eat it away is not really an answer. i guess that leaves “sitting with it,” which is pretty much what i’m doing. When i’m not eating it.
So i can write it. i can blog about it. i can look for ways to sublimate the energy. i can live with my own sense of being incomplete, of lacking purpose. i can… i don’t know.
In the greater scheme of the universe, it probably doesn’t matter at all {i probably don’t matter at all} but in the microcosm of my self, i do matter, and it does matter. Maybe like an oyster, the irritation of the craving, the itch of incompletion, will create some frigging pearl.
Or maybe not.
Olivia 
We all matter. If you had never been, every life that you have even brushed past would be different, and all the lives those lives touched would be different. I don’t have to physically touch you to feel your frustration, your pain, or watch your growth. I follow you here and other places because your warmth and wisdom draw me. Watching you struggle with something I myself struggle with, while difficult to do, helps me to not feel so alone.
What you feel and think matters a great deal because your little microcosm of self is just that, a tiny representation of the whole. If the larger picture/universe/God matters then so do you. You are already a pearl and you shine despite the challenges.
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Monkey, you about made me cry. Thank you so much for those kind words.
I think – i need to explain – i started out thinking that in the greater scheme of the universe it doesn’t matter if my submissive needs are met, which is possibly true, but then i remembered someone telling me years ago that when you say, “It doesn’t matter,” or “It’s not important” that you really mean “I don’t matter” or “I’m not important,” and i think there’s probably some truth to that.
But i didn’t realize that i really WAS saying that til i read your response. So thank you, you know i treasure your friendship, right?
❤
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Not getting what you need is hard. Big hug. I guess I’m thinking about a longer answer… and not coherent about it yet.
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Thanks, Aurora, I’d love to hear your thoughts whenever it’s right.
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You matter. Your needs and reality matter. Love you beautiful lady
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Thank you, jade, you know how much i appreciate that. ❤
AND i was just over reading your latest post!! Right this minute while you were commenting here. But i'll have to wait til morning to really comment, cause i'm too tired to think.
Hasta Manana.
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