i can’t seem to hold my goals in my head – or keep them in front of me the way i’d like to. i wasn’t as productive as i’d like to be this week, i didn’t do any of the things that i’ve talked about wanting to do.
i’ve exercised a couple of times, but not as often as i need to, and now even my doctor is pushing me to exercise/diet. That raises all my “you can’t make me, you’re not my boss” impulses, which is not really helpful. Sigh. i mean, it’s not like he’s telling me to do something bad for me.
Oh, i did meditate some, but not every day. But more formally than i had been, so that’s not terrible.
i didn’t blog anywhere except here.
i’ll do better this week. i need to make a chart or something so i can track what i’m supposed to be doing. That’s not a bad idea, right?
Or maybe i need an accountability group. Anybody wanna work together on meeting our goals?? We could be submissive sisters – or something – NOT to be confused with sorority sisters, which i never, ever wanted to be. We could even be submissive sisters and brothers. But i need to – i want to – do better.
And it’s a new day. A new week. Hmm, i wonder if there’s a way to put a chart or a graph on here, as a page maybe. but to use that as a way to be more accountable. i know that i need to be open to finding ways to do better, i don’t think berating myself or gritting my teeth and feeling miserable is going to be helpful. Working on being open instead.
i think i need to focus smaller (i know, someone told me that about 20 posts ago) and i’ll try that this week. Just 3 things – exercise and meditate every day, do one blog post that is not on here this week.
But – ok, here’s a thing, i was reading the blog post at Zen Gardner about openness. It says, correctly:
Openness is the state of pure attention, which is not narrowed down by any kind of a desire. This consciousness is not focusing on anything, it does not aspire to get anywhere, it plainly and simply is here and now.
So if that’s true, and it is, then when i focus my sights on a goal, i end up in an endless search for an endless series of goals. His article is worth reading, you can find it here, The Power of Openness. But he ends with this:
In the state of openness the fire of desire is not burning in us, our glance is not blocked and obscured by various opinions and thoughts, our hopes are now in ashes, because after a great deal of suffering, we have finally realized that our hopes are the sources of all our suffering.
We then discover that the Miracle, the openness we have been searching for, has been there with us right from the beginnings, we just locked it up behind the bars of our intentions.
So, at least in my head right now, this seems like a dialectic – a metaphysical contradiction between the two concepts – being purposeful and goal focused contradicting practicing radical acceptance and openness to the universe. There’s nothing wrong with having contradictory views, the goal is to bring them together, to wrap my mind around both of them.
My tendency has been to err on the side of openness and receptivity, and that has served me pretty well – except when it comes to diet, exercise and self-discipline. (laughs ruefully) Ok, so maybe i need a Zen Master as much as a BDSM Master. There’s something to think about. In the meantime, let me go see if i can make an accountability page with some kind of chart…