Sunday Check-in 5-29

i’ve had company for several days, and enjoyed it so much.  i have not eaten well, or  exercised (although there was dancing) or meditated.  i’m shrugging it off – tomorrow is another day.

But i want to recommit to meditating, and walking more.  Part of my weekend was wasted obsessing on the possibility of some mild criticism about a work thing.   i was eventually able to just notice when i was stuck thinking about it and let it go, but it reminded me that i am not practicing ways to stay in the moment, and that it might be helpful to do that.

My kinky blog friend, ‘nilla, and i had lunch with a lovely Domme we know.  Ms. Constance is so funny, and entertained us with stories of her adventures at some kinky events.  i laughed so hard – i can’t remember laughing that much in ages.  It was a real treat.

MP took us out for dinner Thursday night.  The restaurant he picked is a local classic, and inspired him to entertain us with stories of the city, and other days gone by.  That was lovely.  He and ‘nilla are fond of each other, and it was nice for me to see them enjoying each other’s company.

Friday morning, i worked, and ‘nilla had time to do some writing over on her blog, Vanilla Mom, so if you enjoy her two latest stories, you can thank me for giving her time and space to write them.  🙂

Friday afternoon, some other friends, non-kinky type, joined us.  i’ve known Lisa since before i met my first husband, so we go way back.  Her two daughters, adults now and all grown-up, came too.  They almost always visit on Memorial Day weekend so we can go to the music festivals in our town.  Both Friday and Saturday were full of a variety of bands and types of music, lots of people watching, dancing, and other good times.

Oh, yeah, and junky food.  (Although I did have a portobello mushroom sandwich, which seems pretty healthy.)

It reminds me how dear my women friends are, and how important to my well-being.   Which then reminded me of this lovely article:  Why Women Need a Tribe.

Namaste to all my sub-sisters out there – and the Dommes too.  ❤


Dildos and such

i need one – a dildo that is.  Preferably a vibrating one.

Yes, i have some.  i used to have some.  MP took control of them a long time ago, and won’t give them back.  i’ve asked him, and he just laughs, or just looks at me.

He bought me a vibrator, not a dildo, like a Hitachi, but from Walgreens, and it works great, when it works. The batteries are rechargeable, but only work for a couple of years, so my first one died recently.  The second one i got – or he got me, cause he happened to be with me at the time and paid for it – the second one quit working this week after just a few months.  The on-off switch locked up and won’t move.

i know, i should send it back to the company, but i don’t have any of the original info, and it’s only a $20 tool in the first place.

Instead, i told MP i needed my dildo/vibrators back.  He just looks at me like he can’t believe i’m saying that.

As i write this/read this, i wonder why i’m not pushing harder to get them back.  i guess i could demand, get loud, insist.

i don’t usually do that.  i can.  i have – put my foot down and persevered til i got what i wanted.

i don’t want to hurt him.  Or i’m just conflict avoidant.  One of the two, or both.

i was thinking i’d go buy one instead, but maybe that’s just taking the easy way out.

i feel like he’s lost so much already, to medical/physical problems.  And i think he’s retreated into denial about me telling him i would look elsewhere to get my needs met.  Although i don’t know if that’s accurate, maybe he hasn’t, maybe he’s just not talking about it.

When i try to talk about what’s going on with him, he gets angry and defensive, and i feel guilty, like i’m doing something wrong.  That’s pure drama triangle, isn’t it?  Or is it?

i don’t know.  i didn’t intend for this blog to be a place to talk about this, but i need somewhere to process.

He is really physically fragile these days.  That’s just the fact of the matter.  He is not going to be able to satisfy any sexual/kinky needs now, maybe not ever again.  That is the least of his concerns, he’s looking at trying to maintain some quality of life for himself, as he should be.

And yet.  His needs don’t erase my needs. They might be more basic needs.  They might take priority.  But they don’t make mine go away.

i’ve sublimated them for a long time now, i know i’ve said this before, but it’s been at least a couple of years.  Maybe i should have been less patient in the beginning, but i wasn’t.  And now i really feel like i’m kicking him when he’s down already.  That is not what i want to do.

i guess i still need to have the conversation.  “Hey, honey, how come you won’t give me my dildos back?  i don’t understand.”  Is that a reasonable beginning?  And i guess if he doesn’t agree to give them back, i end with the statement, “That’s ok, if you won’t give them back, i can buy another one.  i just thought we should talk about it first.”


Ok, this is hysterical – i just asked him, and he was like, “Oh, I just need to get them out for you.  No reason.  I can do that.”


Hahahaha.  i might have over-thought that just a bit.  Quelle dumb-ass que je suis.  Proof that i can’t actually read minds.  Not even his.

So – when i thought he was resistant to giving them back, he was probably trying to remember where he put them.

{Wanders off laughing… smh}




Big excitement here – a blogging friend, someone i met through an earlier incarnation of my blog – is coming to visit.  She arrives tomorrow, and i’m super excited.  We met through blogs, but have gotten together in real life several times, and this will be her third annual visit.

i have a ton of house cleaning to do before she gets here.  And  a ton of work for my job.  And a hair appointment.  Nails were yesterday.

My friend would say not to worry about the house, but only because she’s not here looking at it.

And i have more house guests coming Friday, which is also exciting.

MP is not feeling well and that’s worrisome.  i’ll try again today to talk him into going to the doctor, but based on history, that’s not likely to be effective.

My sexy, kinky blog has become a Dear Diary of the most mundane sort.

And i’m awake way too early this morning.

Finally – did you know that if you google “naked cleaning images” not only pictures, but GIFs  like this pop up?  It is indeed an amazing world we live in.



On that note, i’m gonna start my day.



Dreamlanddancing commented on one of my comments with the phrase: “Baraka Bashad.”  i had to google that; i’d never heard it before.  It’s from the Sufi tradition and it  means, “May the blessings be,” or  “May the blessings flow.”   It reminds me of the Wiccan “Blessed be.”

But the google trail led me to this blog, entitled Baraka Bashad.  It hasn’t been used since 2011, but it’s lovely.  i can cut and paste the words:


to all who seek kindness,
share wisdom
          and are assistants
to our Omniverse.


to all who cultivate knowledge
of what it means to share.

BARAKA BASHAD is a Sufi expression, meaning “May the Blessings Be”, “May the Blessings Flow” or simply “Blessings Be”. Reminiscent of the Wiccan “Blessed Be”, a Christian equal might perhaps be “Thy will be done”.

…but it doesn’t do it justice.   The blog has an atmosphere, like a home does, and there is some lovely poetry, so i invite you to visit the blog.  With thanks to Dreamlanddancing for getting me started looking at this.  It was such a lovely way to start the morning.




Check-in Sunday, 5-22

As you can see if you look at My Accountability Page i have been fairly mediocre in meeting my goals.  Pretty hit and miss.

On the other hand, i’ve started reorganizing the house, preparing for a visit from a dear friend, and finally, finally figured out a way to reorganize our office space so i’m not backed into a corner, feeling trapped and just a bit claustrophobic.  The down side of having done that is that now MP’s desk is right next to me and he can totally see my computer screen at a glance.

Why is that a problem?

Ok, it’s not really a problem.  But it feels like one because it was only a couple of months ago that i told MP i was starting a new blog, and that i was going to be looking for ways to express my submission other than trying to get him to be my Dom.

Yes, we started out with a D/s relationship, and our first year together was lovely.  The second year, we were less engaged in that aspect of our relationship.  The third year, other than a rare hour or two, he just kept promising we’d get back to it at some point in the future.

Now it’s been a couple of years since there was any activity, other than one time, when he spanked me.   For the last six months, he’s had health issues that prevent him from engaging in any strenuous D/s activity, even if he were so inclined, which he’s not.

So here i am, feeling just a bit uncomfortable that he can see my screen without even trying.  i’m not doing anything “wrong.”   And he doesn’t want to know what i’m doing or not doing – he has not even asked me for the link to this blog.  He doesn’t ask me if i’m still emailing that guy i knew in high school.  (i am, but it’s totally mundane and platonic.)   Other conversations i’ve had with men are equally unobjectionable, and he wouldn’t care.

i haven’t lied to MP, and i would tell him before i do anything (else) that could be construed as stepping outside the relationship.   But i don’t want to hurt his feelings.  And that makes me feel like i need to be secretive.


Secretive or worse.  i kinda feel like Ruby – you remember the (stupid) Kenny Rogers song?

In case you don’t, and if you can’t listen to it, here are the words:

You’ve painted up your lips and rolled and curled your tinted hair
Ruby are you contemplating going out somewhere
The shadows on the wall tell me the sun is going down
Oh Ruby don’t take your love to town
It wasn’t me that started that old crazy Asian war
But I was proud to go and do my patriotic chores
And yes it’s true I’m not the man that I used to be
Oh but Ruby I still need your company
It’s hard to love a man whose legs are bent and paralized
And the wants and the needs of a woman your age Ruby I realize
But it won’t be long I’ve heard them say until I’m not around
Oh Ruby don’t take your love to town
She’s leaving now cause I just heard the slamming of the door
The way I know I’ve heard it slam one hundred times before
And if I could move I’d get my gun and put her in the ground
Oh Ruby don’t take your love to town oh Ruby for God’s sake turn around.

You know, MP’s not a war hero and his legs aren’t actually paralyzed, and i don’t think he’s dying, (although who knows, since he won’t go to the damn doctor) but i still kinda feel like Ruby every time i leave the house other than to go to work.

So you know, maybe i’m doing as ok as i can do right now.   Maybe this is about as good as i get.  And maybe i can still keep trying to do better.