i was wondering today when and how i began to think of myself as unfocused and disorganized. No, wait, that’s not quite right, but i began to think of myself as “not focused enough,” and “not organized enough.”
i think that i’ve been missing the point. i can be super focused and super organized ~ when i’m focusing on what other people need, and organizing things so that those goals can be met. i don’t mean i’m super altruistic or unselfish or that i don’t think about my own needs. That wouldn’t be accurate.
But my energies have been directed, mostly, to focusing on goals that other people have set for me and in organizing around those goals. So once upon a time, long ago, i was in graduate school, and taking care of my kids , who were in elementary and middle school, and i was working full-time and at least trying to be a good wife, although not always successfully. i was organized and focused enough to do all that.
Juggling all those moving balls. Wears me out now just to think about it.
But i mostly only do it when it’s somebody else’s balls. (Stop that. i am not talking about that kind of balls! And you know it.)
Anyhow. I don’t know. Maybe i’m actually ok just the way i am – Mr. Rogers would think so, right?
i read this fascinating article that Jade from The Chrysanthemum and The Sword posted on Facebook. It’s called You probably know to ask yourself, “What do I want?” Here’s a way better question, which is an awfully long title. But it suggests:
A more interesting question, a question that perhaps you’ve never considered before, is what pain do you want in your life? What are you willing to struggle for? Because that seems to be a greater determinant of how our lives turn out.
So, i’d like to have a great body (for an old woman) but am apparently obviously not willing to exercise a whole lot more and eat a whole lot less to get there. i’d like to be a famous author, but not enough to risk rejection by sending my work to a publisher.
The article says:
Everybody wants to have great sex and an awesome relationship—but not everyone is willing to go through the tough conversations, the awkward silences, the hurt feelings and the emotional psychodrama to get there. And so they settle.
That kind of makes me feel guilty (i do guilt really well, you know) and i think, do i just need to talk to MP more? Then i remember the conversations we’ve had, and his health issues, and a bunch of other stuff, and i shrug off the guilt.
The article is worth reading, and has some truth to it, i think. At the end, it says that it’s not just another “no pain, no gain” article, but it kind of seems like it is, to me. But maybe what it means –
~~let me see if i can express this ~~
Does it mean that you should pick suffering that you enjoy? So even if you don’t succeed (and hard work and suffering DON’T always lead to success) you will enjoy the struggle you went through?
i don’t know. i don’t think it’s saying that. It seems like it’s saying if you haven’t achieved something it’s because you didn’t want the suffering you would have had to go through to get it. When i put it that way, i don’t think it’s necessarily true.
Oh, hell, i don’t know. It is an interesting article. What do you think it’s saying? My brain gets twisted when i try to sort through it. Of course, maybe that’s because i keep waking up at 2:30 a.m. and not being able to go back to sleep. That kinda sucks.
But ultimately, i think my beliefs and my life experience are more aligned with Joseph Campbell, who says:
“We must be willing to get rid of the life we’ve planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us.”
Olivia 
Pain is the BDSM’s secret weapon, as it raises consciousness and helps us overcome fear.
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Oh, right! Yes. Thanks for pointing that out.
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My philosophy is similar what Jade expressed except, instead of “pain”, I use the word “effort”…
“Do I want this badly enough to do what I must to make it happen?”
I am, in general, a lazy sot, so the answer is No. (Except in my relationship, where I am, perhaps, overly-tenacious.)
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Ha, yes, that fits much better too. And i would question whether you’re a lazy sot or not, but it made me laugh. Thanks for commenting. 🙂
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This is what it made me think, in part: i’m in love with Sir Raven, and i’m in love with the enormous amount of work it takes emotionally and physically to belong to her (at least 90 percent of the time). i don’t wake up and look at wunderlist and feel frustrated, angry, or put upon. It’s a part of the work it takes to be hers and it is, by and large, a joy to me to check off that list each day. As i pointed out to her, each action completed is my living love note to her. When i look at how it looks, and feels, from the other direction-well…i do believe she is in love with me. She says so, even if she is honest and pragmatic enough to point out that those feelings are not always at a constant high point for anyone, in any relationship. But is she in love with the work it takes for her to be a Master? In some categories, that looks like a resounding, “No.” Does she want an excellent relationship? Do i? Yes. For sure. Does she want it badly enough to deal with the work that comes with the job of Master? Only she can answer that.
i want my graduate degree (and, frankly, beyond). i want it bad enough to push through obstacles that are present for every student and obstacles that are particular to me and my disabilities and life as a slave. If what i did was just picturing a doctorate degree on the wall, but i wasn’t willing to face the struggle and find the dedication, then i wouldn’t be invested in the kind of way i have to be in order to make that happen.
Basically, i think the worth of the article was looking at what we believe we want and seeing if we are working through the pain we can realistically expect to get there. i want my body to work and went yesterday to lay down for needles that i can feel hit bone, walked eight miles last week, don’t binge much, and take meds daily. All of these things are painful but they back up my assertion that i want to be the best version of me, relate to my other goals of being a good slave for SR and a good student. This got really long. Sorry about that! 😀
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Omigosh, don’t be sorry! That was a beautiful response. Yes. I think that makes perfect sense. I have to go think about how THAT way of looking at it applies to my life. ❤
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i was thinking about the article too, and sort of had my thoughts together, but i’ve gotten a scant three hours sleep. i’m not grumpy on no sleep but i was afraid i was rambling. 😉
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I hear you. I keep waking up at 2 or 2:30 in the morning and giving up on sleep about 3. About 5 or 5:30 I get real sleepy and doze for an hour or so, but yikes. I’m tired.
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